CAPITAL CRIMES™:
The Private Equity Pyramid
𝐂𝐀𝐏𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐋 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒™
𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕’𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒃𝒊?
𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄:
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐄𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐏𝐲𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐝.
𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐒:
𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐭 𝐀𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐭.
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The uncomfortable truth about PE in the Middle East: When everyone’s using the same playbook, running the same models, and targeting the same deals, someone’s building a pyramid scheme. And it’s not who you think.
The Evidence
1. Your Next Fund is Already Dead
- Every PE firm is chasing the same 50 companies.
- All using the same target screening criteria.
- All promising the same returns.
- All claiming proprietary deal flow.
Result: The math doesn’t work. It never did.
2. The Multiple Expansion Myth
The traditional PE playbook says buy at 6x, sell at 10x.
Reality check:
- Regional companies are already priced at global multiples.
- Everyone’s promising operational improvements.
- Nobody’s admitting the market is saturated.
The real crime? Pretending 2015 strategies still work in 2025.
3. The “Value Add” Vacuum
Your pitch deck claims:
- Operational expertise.
- Strategic guidance.
- Regional synergies.
- Platform potential.
But here’s the body count:
- 70% of portfolio companies miss their targets.
- “Strategic guidance” means the same recycled playbook.
- “Operational expertise” means junior consultants with templates.
- “Regional synergies” means hope disguised as strategy.
4. The Exit Enigma
The Herd’s Graveyard: Why Your Exit Strategy is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
The problem isn’t exits—it’s your definition of exits.
PE’s obsession with the same three doors (strategic buyers, IPOs, PE-to-PE) isn’t just lazy—it’s arithmetic suicide.
The Flawed Trinity Deconstructed:
- Strategic buyers “paralyzed with choice”: They’re not cutting checks because your asset is a commodity. You built what everyone else built.
- IPOs as “good in certain cases”: A myth. Going public in 2024 means selling to algorithms, not investors. Your 10x EBITDA narrative gets shredded by quant bots in milliseconds.
- PE-to-PE exits: A circular firing squad where the only winner is the bank financing both sides.
This isn’t a strategy. It’s a prayer.
5. The Limited Partner Lullaby
You’re telling LPs:
- Everyone’s promising operational improvements.
- “We have proprietary deal flow.”
- “Our operational team is unique.”
- “We see hidden value others don’t.”
They’re nodding politely while doing the math:
Too much capital + Too few deals = Someone’s getting hurt.
The Bottom Line:
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The next PE crisis won’t come from bad deals.
It’ll come from good firms doing everything right.
According to a playbook that expired years ago.
Want to know what actually works in regional PE?
Follow us on LinkedIn for next week’s case file: “The New PE Playbook: Where Real Returns Hide”
#NeboCapital #CapitalCrimes #What’sYourAlibi? #PrivateEquity #MENA #Investment #Finance
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